It’s Time To Get Real With Myself

I think I’ve refrained from totally being myself and hiding a part of myself for fear of not being liked, being judged, and not being like everyone else. In regards to my blog, I’ve been trying to be like everyone else because I see it work for other people. I talk about what everyone else is talking about, like fashion, beauty, and health-like subjects. & though I do sincerely love all of those things- that’s not ALL that I am.

Under that surface layer bullshit, I am so much more. I don’t know where this is coming from. I don’t think I am writing this post with the intent to make it all about me, even though it will be all about me because I will be speaking on my life. But more importantly, this post is meant for you- all of you who are afraid to show up & be who you really are, who are afraid to speak their truth for fear of being too much or not being liked or thinking you’re stepping too far out of the box.

So here it is.

This is me. I’m a 26 year old who sometimes doesn’t even know what’s up or down, and I sure as shit don’t know which way is East or West. I’ve been in a 8 year relationship with someone who 100% has helped make me a better person. We parent his 12 year old son together. I’ve been doing that since I was 19 years old. Sometimes I think I have this thing called life figured out & sometimes I don’t have a clue what I’m doing or what I’m supposed to be doing. What I’m *supposed* to be doing is getting ready to get married and have children because I’m now 26, right? I feel so much guilt around not wanting that right now.

I am asked by so many if I will get married yet. Or I’m asked “when will you have a baby?” If I’m being completely transparent with you, anyone I speak to or come across online, I figure out their age and then figure out how old they were when they had their first child. I’m always hoping they had their first child at an age older than 26 because then it takes the pressure off of me when I should be having my first child. Society tells me to have a baby now. My heart tells me that I want to wait because I’ve just spent all of my 20’s helping raise my boyfriend’s son. Which has been fulfilling in ways I couldn’t even imagine. It’s also been one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done, but holy fuck, has it allowed me to grow. Still, I need time for me.

Ever since I graduated high school I’ve wanted to make an impact, to really create a positive change. But I have been lost, or so I thought. I reach this way or that way trying to figure out what will fill this void, fill this longing to want more out of my life. Then I feel guilty because doesn’t wanting more mean you’re never satisfied or not grateful for what you have? Because I am beyond grateful for the person I’ve grown in to, the memories I’ve shared with the ones I love, and even the hardships I’ve endured. I wake up and choose to practice gratitude everyday, but I can feel it in my bones that I’m meant to do more. The question I continuously ask myself is – “what does that more consist of?”

I’m terrified to work an office job. I finally came to the realization that my dream is to build this blog into my career. & I’d be lying if I said I didn’t question that dream almost everyday of my life. My fear starts rolling in, I get into my head and think “how in the world can you do this, Aubrianna? You’ve had this blog for 5 years and where has it gone- why would you think it could go somewhere now? Maybe you just weren’t cut out for this. Maybe this just isn’t your path.” & then I think about how much I absolutely love writing and creating and learning, and then sharing what I learn with all of you. It lights me up like nothing else. That pesky “fear” emotion takes over a lot, though. I mean a lot. And then my fear stops me from creating content or writing a blog. I’ve been living in this internal battle within myself – I know what I want but I can’t seem to take the necessary steps to get there.

I am definitely guilty of overthinking and I am the most critical on myself. Zach says I am my own worst enemy. He isn’t wrong. I tend to set this unrealistic standard for myself that just honestly isn’t fucking fair to me, but then become disappointed in myself when I can’t reach that standard. Sound familiar?

You know, it was an incredible feeling to walk across that stage when I did receive my Bachelors Degree. I was so proud of myself. Now I am thinking, and have been thinking, now what? I’m proud to have accomplished such a big goal but it still left me feeling empty. And maybe empty isn’t the right word, but it just didn’t fulfill me in the way I thought it would. It was like after getting my Bachelors, reality hit, & it became very apparent that this whole thing called life after college wouldn’t go as planned. So now I’m here, expressing these jumbled thoughts, not really knowing where I am going with this, & reaching out to all of you who maybe are facing similar feelings or situations. There’s something very special about connecting with someone who’s living through the difficulties that you are experiencing yourself.

Do you ever feel like the fire inside of you has dimmed? When I was younger, I was reckless, full of life, and also full of dumb decisions. Then I went to college, put my head down, and got through school because that’s what I told myself I needed to do. I told myself I need to graduate and get a Bachelors Degree. I think I thought having a Bachelors would make me feel like I made it, it would point me in the right direction of where my life should go.

Wrong.

Here’s my mini epiphany.

I think for a long time I put such an emphasis on my career – what’s my job title, how much money can I make, what will I do in my career. I thought getting my Bachelors would magically give me that great job title, lots of money, and a meaningful career where the job I do makes a difference. I couldn’t have been more wrong. So then I started to realize that life is so much more than your career. I started asking yourself who are you as a person? Are you happy with the person you’ve grown into being? Does what you do everyday align with how you want to show up for yourself in this lifetime? Any job I’ve had, the answers to those questions were “no.” When I think about my blog being my career, that “no” turns to “yes.”

So. If I know that me creating meaningful and inspirational content aligns with my values and how I want to show up for myself, why can’t I seem to prioritize my blog?

Man, the thoughts that go through my head daily that I so badly want answers for. Ironically those answers can’t be found anywhere else except for within myself. My intuition tells me I don’t prioritize my blog because I’m afraid to fail, I’m afraid to really put myself out there, I’m afraid people will think I’m a joke. A lot of times when I meet people, I don’t tell them I’m a blogger because I don’t want them to ask for my IG handle because I’m embarrassed I only have 300 followers. That’s just the truth. Then the question that should be asked is, who’s really failing- the one who tried and didn’t succeed or the one who never tried at all?

If you’re someone who has had these thoughts or dealt with similar situations, here’s how I try to navigate my way through this:

I work everyday at believing in my greatness and I remind myself of the magic I have within me that’s just waiting to be let out, even if I don’t always believe it. I listen to inspirational podcasts and read incredible books about believing in myself. I remind myself that it’s not about the destination, it’s always about the journey. Finally, I never lose sight of who I am, I continously remind myself my why – why I started this journey in the first place.

One of my favorite books is You’re Not Lost: An Inspired Action Plan for Finding Your Own Way, by Maxie McCoy. & you can find my most recent post here.

From my heart to yours, I hope this post benefited or resonated with you in some way or another.

xx, Aubrianna

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