Rest Easy, my Angel

I’ve been trying to write this post for two weeks.

I open up to this page to type and nothing comes out.. I can’t seem to formulate my words. So here it goes.

I am no stranger to death. It seems to be very prominent in my life, specifically among my animals. I understand that animals don’t live as long as humans, but no matter how much you understand that, their death still crushes you and you’re never prepared to have to say goodbye. When a pet, your family member, passes away it feels like (for me anyways) I can’t breathe. I can’t stop the tears. I can’t think of anything else. I feel so much pain, like it’s never going to go away. People try to comfort you and it doesn’t do anything, it doesn’t change anything. The pain stays, it lingers. It comes back months, even years down the road. But a part of me wants to feel the pain. I want, I need to miss my animals, it’s how I mourn. & it’s the way I know that they’ll never be forgotten.

♥ I lost Jed in August of 2015. I lost Chicklet in December of 2016. I lost Thor in February of 2017. & now I’ve lost Odin in August of 2018 ♥

It doesn’t get easier. I think it gets harder.

I become mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. The pain consumes me every single time I lose an animal. This is a dark post, but it’s real, it’s what I experience. And I feel like there’s some of you who might be able to relate.

On August 12th of 2018, I knew Odin wasn’t acting normal. He seemed uncomfortable, very lethargic, & anxious yet exhausted. Something wasn’t right, I could feel it. But let’s back up. Odin was diagnosed with insulinoma back in March, which is cancer in the pancreas. We knew that this would end his life but we had no idea when. For as long as we could, we gave him his medication twice a day, fed him a special type of food because he wouldn’t eat his kibble, visited the vet more times than I can count to make sure we were doing everything right & to check his insulin levels, we loved him, showered him with kisses, comforted him endlessly, gave him as many treats as he wanted, & anything else we could.

He was one strong little dude. & I mean strong. We don’t know exactly when he developed insulinoma, but after being diagnosed, he lived for 5 months. That’s a long time to live when there’s cancer inside of you and you’re already so little to begin with. He fought and fought, but it was like that night, his body was giving out. I could see it in his eyes.

I laid with him on the couch for over an hour. He laid over my chest that long without moving, which isn’t normal. This was our time, the moment when I poured my heart out to him, the moment I said my goodbyes. I told him how much I loved him, how much I adored him, how he’ll always be remembered, how I’ll never forget the bond we shared, & how I was so happy to have saved his life when I did. But really, I think he saved me.

Odin was different from his brothers, our bond was also different than the bond I share with his brothers. He was a lot more mellow, he was always independent unless I was around. If I was around and he was out of his cage, he’d come find me and lay next to my feet wherever I was. I was the only one he bit, but they were love bites, not the kind of bites that were mean. He was the one to always welcome new brothers first. He welcomed Apollo first and he welcomed Ares first. It’s like he always brought all the brothers together. Odin was the allfather. Sometimes he’d get these random spunky moments where he’d run around like a crazy man and jump, & I’d think to myself “where in the world did that come from!?”. He was full of a lot of love.

When I saved Odin, I wasn’t planning on it. I had gone into the pet store to pick up Thor & Loki (the two brothers I had adopted the night before). When I got there, a worker asked me if I’d take this all white one that was with Thor & Loki because this white one had been found in a dumpster and wasn’t doing well at all until he was placed with Thor & Loki. She was afraid if we split them apart, Odin’s health would decline again. I didn’t even have to think, I immediately said yes.

From then on, I was his guardian angel and he was my angel baby. No one understood him the way I did. No one connected with him the way I did. I felt so close to him. He taught me patience and kindness. He taught me to not judge because people judged him for looking different & acting different. He may have only been a ferret but he was extraordinary in my eyes.

That night I was saying my goodbyes was because I thought he’d pass in his sleep. I went to bed at 1:30am, woke up at 2:30, 3:30, & 4:30am to check on him. He wasn’t giving up yet, but I could see that he was struggling. I called the vet at 7am to make him an appointment that day to see what I could do. I was at the vet for 2 hours trying to decide if I should pump more medication in him, even though he wasn’t even living at this point. It was like he was just a warm body because he could barely move. I thought how selfish of me to keep him around if he isn’t living, he’s in pain, he’s hurting. But how could I decide to end his life by euthanasia? His life was literally in my hands and that fucking killed me. I didn’t want to have to be the one to decide whether or not he should go. I didn’t want him suffering anymore, though.

“You take away all of their pain by enduring it all on your own.”

In the end, I decided I wanted him to go peacefully, not struggling anymore. There wasn’t a good chance that the extra medication would help, he was already slowly passing away. I didn’t want his last days to be spent getting pumped with more medication and him being more miserable than he already was. So for an hour I held him close, I let him lay with Apollo on my lap, I said my goodbyes again, I kissed him over and over again, and I just stared at him for as long as I could. They took him to the back to sedate him and perform the procedure. He was brought back to me wrapped in a warm blanket. I had maybe 10 seconds with him before he was gone.. I sat there with him in my arms, crying so so hard, and continuing to stare at him, telling him how much I loved him and how sorry I was.

Odin was my angel baby forever, he always will be. 

I still think I’ll find him sleeping in my clothes. Sometimes I see him out of the corner of my eye. I’ll walk to the cage and expect to see him staring at me from his hammock. He took a piece of my heart with him.

I just hope more than anything he’s up there eating so many bananas, cuddling with my big boy, Thor.

He really is at peace now, he’s free from his pain, & he’s reunited with his brother. That’s all that matters at this point. I loved him with everything I had & I’ll continue to do that. Rest easy, my sweet little angel baby. Thank you for saving me the way you did.

If you made it this far, I thank you. I appreciate you listening to me write about such a difficult time in my life.

xx, Aubrianna