Forgiveness — it’s not for them, it’s for you.
Like all people who walk this Earth, I too have experienced a lot of pain and hurt. I’ve been let down by the ones who are supposed to protect me, love me, and care for me. And I have also let down the people I love the most.
I have never publicly spoken about this topic because I never knew how to and I always felt like it wasn’t my story. But it is my story to tell because I am the one who is living it. I have just finally gotten to a place within myself where I want to speak my truth, I want to share the hardships I experience in hopes that my words can bring others peace. And to give you a glimpse into the emotional obstacles I face because my life isn’t just about morning routines and daily cold brew.
Someone very close to me is an addict, a severe addict- the hardest drugs you can imagine. The drug use has severely altered his brain, he is no longer who he once was. If we speak, he talks to me like he’s in a different reality and he doesn’t know who I am. And that is one of the most painful things I could experience because this person is my dad.
I have gone almost my whole life with my dad not being a constant in it. I think about him every day. When I was a child, I’d look up at the moon and hope that he was looking up at the same moon. Or if I saw an airplane in the sky, I would hope he was on it to surprise me. The kind of longing a child feels when one of their parents (or both) is not in their life, is indescribable because it’s something you can’t control. It’s like a void in your heart that can never be filled. And you want to be angry with them because at least that anger is something you can control.
A couple of years ago, he did go through a period where he was clean because he was incarcerated. We were speaking weekly and starting to rebuild our relationship. After one of our conversations I hung up the phone, sat on my bed and bawled, because I finally came to a point where I fully forgave him. It didn’t matter how many birthday’s he missed, that he was never present, or that he chose drugs over everything else in his life. I realized one day he will be gone and I will not choose to live each day angry with who he couldn’t be, and forgave him for who he was.
I forgave him for me. I forgave him so I could heal my own heart. I forgave him because I was ready to let go of my anger. I forgave him because even though most would disagree, he deserved my forgiveness.
And because I forgave him, I’ve been able to love him from afar without condition. Forgiveness also meant compassion. Forgiveness meant I could empathize with him. Forgiveness meant that I could speak of him to others without hate or anger consuming the conversations. Forgiveness meant I could view addiction in a different light than before.
If you’re close to someone who is dealing with addiction or you yourself is going through something similar, SAMHSA’s national helpline is completely confidential and free.
Their number is 1-800-662-HELP (4357).
This type of post took a lot of courage to write with how personal it is for me. Forgiveness is a deep topic with so much more depth to it. So it is something I will keep writing about and speaking on. For now, if any part of this post brought you some sense of peace or resonated, then writing it was worth it.
To read another pesonal post I’ve written, you can click here.
From my heart to yours, have a beautiful rest of your week.
xx, Aubrianna
I love you so much.
This post is beautiful.